Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Is it time for an Intervention?

This is not what it seems.


I am not talking about a regular type of intervention where my friends, families and random therapist sit me down, make me feel bad, and then scare me into meeting a bunch strange people in a hospital environment, where, if I am lucky, my bad behavior can lead to an interesting scene I pleasantly refer to as the "Thorazine Shuffle".

But I digress...

The incessant diarrhea of the mouth that seems to plague when I get into my cups is not quite at a crisis mode, but it is getting there. The fact that I told a few people about my flower sending issues does appear to be leading to the next few months of me being ridden hard by a gorilla sized batch of ridicule. But, it got me thinking about the last few times this has happened. I have examples and a small amount of analysis.

#1 (and most famous, actually) The sister banger!!
This has turned into one of the most asinine situations I have ever been involved with. Simply because one evening when I was pretty inebriated I accidentally made a joke about how I probably would not stop my sister from performing oral on me if that situation ever came up. I would never do that, but it took only about 4 minutes for this situation to get blown out of proportion. Apparently now, after about a year of continuous ridicule and exaggeration, I bang my sister on a regular basis.

#2 First in Line to gangbang Michael Jackson
This one was actually quite funny at the time. But, true to form, it was misunderstood and exploded into a longing desire to anal ram that crazy bastard when he went to prison. My point at the time, was if I was going to prison-bang Michael Jackson, I would not want to go 9th or 10th. I would want to go first to prevent contamination, which I thought was reasonable.

#3 Panty checking to determine sexual activity
Now, I will admit that this one was absolutely out of line, but where it was taken by my buddy Jesse was uncalled for. My point was that if you check the panty drawer of a young girl, and there is a thong inside, then, it stands to reason that the girl is probably sexually active. However, Jesse took this mean that I was speaking specifically about my sister and that I sniffed them also, which makes me a sick bastard.

#4 "Having your family over a barrel"
Now, I really have no idea or memory of how this one started, but since it entered the lexicon of every bartender I knew, I have to assume that I said it and therefore is unexplainable and therefore part of my intervention. Items 5-9 also fall into this category.

#5 "You have to do it before the rigor sets in, or there is too much forensic evidence".
#6 "Oh, yeah, that girl loves double-times". (This one was good because I said it to one of her coworkers)
#7 "The first time I had crabs..."
#8 "Hey Mark, guess who just blew me in a bathroom at Central..."
#9 "I have spent $600 on flowers in the last 5 months".

#10 Upcoming

Let's just say that interventions don't work for something like this, but it is worth a try. I am not mad at my friends for contextually pushing me into remarking about anything and everything because they know I am going to say something really retarded. But, I am a little bit sick of looking like an idiot constantly when I open my mouth. I feel like the Chicago Cubs o Downtown Drinking. Alas, the fun never ends.

Fuck the intervention, I am just gonna try to remember the shit from now on.


Dave said...

Sister fucker! I hope you spent some of the money on flowers for her. Set some cash aside for the therapy she'll need too. You sick bastard. See you for golf on Sunday, where we can share our incestual comonalities :)

Anonymous said...

Sister fucker! I hope you sent some of those flowers to her. Set some cash aside for the therapy she'll need later in life. You sick bastard. Hopefully you can share so more of your incestual romps with us during golf on Sunday:)