Friday, February 03, 2006

The wedding attrition?

Well, It is wedding season.

In February.

The day before the Super Bowl.


Yes, this travesty is going forward without my being able to stop it and kill everyone involved. I will be on good behavior and not try to bang that one bridesmaid who will be sitting three seats down from my ex. I will not get incredibly drunk in front of my best friends parents, or the parents of his soon to be "love of his life", at least for the next 5 years or so, depending upon national averages. I will do my best to not fall into the cake. These are all the usual promises that are made before a wedding that one is being forced to attend and take part in.

But the day before the Super Bowl? He should have his man-card stripped permanently from his cold, limp and married hands before he sinks the rest of us. He should have his ability to pick up hookers in Vegas revoked for this horrible choice in dates. His last wish before the marital noose cracks his neck should be the pervasiveness of his single friends who intended to spend the day slurping odd looking meat products covered in buffalo sauce washed down with the cold and beauteous drink of the gods. Instead of those two fabulous activities taking place for many hours, I have to behave the night before and make sure that some weepy-wanna-be-bride-to-be is out of my hotel room before 10:00 am. I did not want to get up this early on Super Bowl Sunday (shit, there goes $10,000) and think about whether or not my drunk ass ordered some soft-core porn for the low low low price of $9.79 (two for $16) in which to provide a road map/obstacle course for said victim to partake.

But, perhaps my buddy is not as unintelligent and unfrocking as he first seems. After all, all of his friends will now rudimentary be involved with the anniversary celebration every year. Which means, conversely, I may be able to bang a different chick every year in front of my ex-girlfriend for the rest of my days, which, hopefully, will not be the focus of the rest of my days. We will be able to save him every year from doing something stupid, like forgetting his anniversary. We will be entrenched in the history of his family for all eternity. If I fast forward 1 year in the next capable of days, then I can fall in the cake because it is actually part of his super bowl party.

This should be a fun weekend here in Orlando. If only it would stop raining...

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