Brains, Liberalism, and the Destruction of Congress

I have come to the decision that I absolutely love 2 things. I love welfare and I love Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Not necessarily in that order, but they are both fun and misunderstood by the masses. One is a soft, gooey piece of brilliance that pleases millions mixing dark colors and light flavors in a harmony of taste, style and Americanism. The other one is all of these things and also a Multi-Billion dollar industry supported by the American people. I will let you decide which one is which. The point of all of this boils down to the simple fact that women are friggin crazy beings that seem to maintain the chameleonic ability to change with whatever they perceive as danger at the drop of the hat.

If I had a girlfriend, wait, that sounded bad. When I had a girlfriend, wait, that sounds bad, too. Um, whatever, women are just a little bit different in the way handle their emotions. Jealousy over ridiculously impertinent situations is par for the course. When I speak near another girl about something involving sex, it does not mean that I am on the way to the bar bathroom to bang her like a civil war cannon. Also, stop calling me in the middle of the night on a Tuesday just because you think I might be mad at you. The "are you mad at me", and "why are you mad at me?" answers change significantly at 4am when I have a 9:30am meeting. Believe Me.

Men are not inherently stupid. Sometimes we aren't the quickest rats in the sewers, but we get a little bit of what is going on around us. We understand that you women are all insecure freaks that equate giving oral sex with the receipt of approval and attention. (Note: I think that this explains why blowjobs become less frequent after marriage, but I am not opposed to maintaining this equation in single women, after all that is why I have been targeting women with low self esteem over the last few months). If you don't understand why I am writing this, then perhaps that is better for both of us. I don;t want to seem like an asshole who is only interested in women for sex and internet fodder. If you wanna get mad at me, don't sign the waiver at the beginning of our date. Be Smart!! Ask for a percentage before I get the hit results, not after. You may have more leverage at that point than I do (doubtful, I am probably smarter than you).

I am currently working on a song. It should be earthshattering and groundbreaking. Below is a example of what I have come up with so far. Put it to the same beat and music as "O Christmas Tree":




Oh Penis Sheath
Oh Penis Sheath
How much longer can you make me

The porn store clerk gave you to me
With bloodshot eyes of sympathy

Oh Penis Sheath
Oh Penis Sheath
How much longer will you make me

Oh Penis Sheath
Oh Penis Sheath
Should I lube up to put you on me

This can't be good for self esteem
Cause this ring is for my testes

Oh Penis Sheath
Oh Penis Sheath
Just a complicated cock ring.

Genius. I know. Thank you. Thank you.