Monday, April 17, 2006

Nice guys finish last in the gangbang

Apparently, I am what's considered by many girls to be "the nice guy", guy. (By the way, worst candy name ever, and with "new chunk pieces", i think I am gonna hurl). Good candy though. Also known as "the guy I can just be friends with", guy. I don't know how it started or when it began or how it is progressing, but, my friend, I wish it would go away. See, the thing is, I am not really that nice of a guy. I don't understand why women seem to have this undesirable (at least, in my opinion) fascination with thinking I am safe. Is it because I have never said the great line that Ben Affleck uttered in Mall Rats: "You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable." Now that is one of my favorites quotes from one of the worst movies ever made. But, I guess for some people, they are words to live by.

I have a plan. And I will not share it with you.


The reason that movie sucked so much is only abundantly clear when you watch clerks. Small cast of nobodies participates in something they think was called acting, but was not actually. Small director is forced to use his own place of employment to make a movie full of great dialogue without a whole lot of substance. Great quotes, bad quotability if you ask me. Fast forward a few years and add som moolah to the budget and place it in a situation where it is living up to some kind of ridiculous hype and add Ben Affleck to the mix, and you end up with the piece of total crap that was that movie. Sorry Dave.

Anyway, moving on. I was in Atlanta this whole past week and had my own set of interesting happenings that brought tears of laughter to my eyes. For instance: A girl at my seminar was so tanked that she was bare-assed in the air in our hotel room less than 6 hours after we met her and she works for the same company that I do. Talk about someone who is on the hyperspeed to career dominance. She was sent home Monday by her own boss who reprimanded her from about 680 miles away. That was about $480 of her money and 72 hours after she got there. I never saw this girl sober once the whole weekend unless it was in our corporate office. Even then, she smelled so hungover that I almost dry-heaved for her. Good Times. Not to say that I had my own little situations in Atlanta myself. For instance I vaguely remember someone spanking me in the middle of a dance floor while I was drinking something out of something that definitely wasn't a glass or anything like a glass. I think it was some girls hat or something. I just found out all of this today in an email from one of the members of my seminar team. Now, I would be curious to relive that set of circumstances. How do I end up spanked while dancing while chugging liquor out of some chicks hat. By the way, I bet that tasted really good.

Alas, I do not remember said occurrence and likely will never remember it because it is a memory located in an unstable area of my memory banks that I seem to continually record over. It sucks to think that whenever I black out from now on that there is a good chance that some of my other...fond isn't really the correct word here is it, whatever, memories out of my head. I would love to tell people that I was chugging liquor out of a hat in a different city with people that I sort of work with on a national level, at about 1:45 in the morning on a Sunday, by the way.

Which leads me back to Jesus. Or at least the molested bunny we like to call Jesus on some weird day of undeath we like to refer to as Easter. This one really has me squirming in my shorts. I don't really get it. Something tells me that stuffing our faces with chocolate rodents and forcing children to competitively search for unfertilized chicken cocoons colored with chemicals isn't exactly what the Lord intended. Not to mention, there isn't anything good going on. Its a holiday, sort of. But isn't every Sunday? Its festive, sort of. But isn't Memorial day Festive? Labor Day? Martin Luther King Day? I mean, any day that we have off of work is pretty festive. And this one ruins one of my many Sundays that I strive for on a weekly basis. And how shitty of Jesus was it to come to life on God's day off. Okay, too far. But really! Can't we have Easter on Monday or something. At least then it would have the same holiday shopping power as those listed above.

By the way, did I mention that people who are registered with the federal government as "Pagan/Wiccan" on a college application can now officially take off 64 holidays a year. And I gotta tell you, I don't think many of those actually fall on a weekend.

2 comments:

Dave said...

Let me get this straight. You bash a campy, yet brilliant, movie like Mallrats, which hi-lights the genius ramblings of Jason Lee... and then quote Tango and Cash in your blast! Jason Lee alone carries that movie. His theory about the Cookie Factory operating independantly of the rest of the food court as "an establishment dedicated to mid-mall snacking," is ledengary. And of course the reference to sex in an uncomfortable place.. like the back of a VW? "Oh yee of little faith."

steve said...

Sorry Dave,
I agree with Sam on this one. Mall Rats sucked enought to change the tides. As far as easter goes... I think we know where I stand on this one.