Friday, May 12, 2006

-insert higher power figure here - Bless You!!

I have decided that I want to volunteer at a children's home 2 days a week after work. I want to give something back to the world that has given a small amount. I think I can really make a difference to a child, maybe be a mentor or something like that.

I have been sick for 6 days now. I feel like ass and cannot seem to stop coughing and hacking and sneezing and sniffling and complaining. It seems that I have some odd American strain of the Hunta virus or something. Please send four guys in biohazard suits over to my apartment and scrape me into some sort of place where Hugh Laurie and take biopsies and such to figure out that I have some unknown disease that I will call the "longest run-on sentence in the history of this blog." Basically, though, all melodrama aside, I have a summer cold and they suck. It is such a weird feeling to walk outside feeling like this and have it be 85-90 degrees and sunny. It makes me feel almost like I am faking it or something.

Which leads me to another pointless conversation I recently had with a friend about faking the male orgasm. Now, I know that it is possible because I actually have faked it once, but that happened a long time ago. And I will apologize to that girl the next time I see her. I am sure she had no idea at the time, but would be devastated to find out now that I just did not enjoy myself enough to finish. (You can believe that if you want, but the truth is that I was too lazy to be on top and she would not switch with me and let me be on bottom. Believe me, she probably noticed.) Back to the conversation before you get a visual. My buddy says that he fakes it all the time because he wants his girlfriend to think that he can do that whole Tantric "orgasm without cumming" thing. He think that she thinks it cool that he can do that. I told him that he is an idiot and that most women are not that stupid. Most of the girls can tell when you...Um...leave your mark. After all, we can tell the difference between when they are faking and when they aren't, we just don't mind being lied to. Women have been known to be against the whole lying thing; especially when it concerns something like this. I explained to him that he was a male, meaning he shouldn't be trying to fake it. He should instead being more focused on getting things done correctly. She does not necessarily want tantra, but she probably does want to enjoy herself. Letting her think that you have some weird supernatural power to not produce fluids probably mean less to her than the fact that you and her are done having sex in about 4 minutes. That's just weak, bro.

You know, I don't think I should be helping out children with anything except for underage drinking. I am not sure that philanthropy and charity are my strong suits. Maybe I should just sell booze out of my trunk at local middle schools. Support your future strippers!!


Anonymous said...

Let's see... you went from mentoring children to faking orgasms to make a chick think you are into ancient Eastern-philosophically-influenced sexual techniques. Maybe kids shouldn't be your focus. I think you should stick to providing the liberal point of view, publicly fighting with your significant other while extremely intoxicated and almost keeling over on the steering wheel of the golf cart while the rest of us finish the hole.
By the way, I find it best to be honest and say," I'm sorry I didn't cum, I just couldn't get you out of my mind. Maybe next time you should wear a wig and dress up like my 6th grade teacher." Mrs. Pickens was hot!


Samm Chazz said...

Dave, you know I would never fake it. What's the point. That was a long time ago that I did that. Kids should definitely be my focus. We need more quality strippers!!!

Steve-O said...

Sam + children= nightly news. There is nothing good that can come of this idea. Sure, the kids may get a lesson on the 100+ ways to use the words fuck or shit, or you may teach the youngsters the best method of how to smuggle booze into a secure location, but I'm not sure these are the mentors they're looking for. I'm guessing you might end up on some FDLE web site that would limit you from living anywhere near a decent school district. That being said, I'm your friend and I will support you in whatever you decide. Unless you get caught, in which case I will never had heard of you or this stupid assed plan you have to mentor children. I do however agree that the world needs more quality strippers. Perhaps you could just work with high school drop-outs looking for direction. Bankroll a stripper school. Just an idea.